The Last Mother’s Day

This weekend we announced that we are pregnant again. Again? Most of you probably know, but some of you may not. Last September Brittany and I found out she was pregnant a few days before I was supposed to leave for my new job in Denver.

Long story short, we suffered a miscarriage. It was some seriously dark days. Have you ever felt like everything happening around you wasn’t real? I felt like I was moving and speaking and working, but that it was someone else’s life. It sounds so cliché, but I literally found myself on my knees crying in a hotel room. It was rough. I don’t cry very often.

I don’t pretend to understand why it happened. I doubt either of us will ever understand the why. I wish I could tell you what I’ve learned from the loss, but that’s what’s so difficult about the miscarriage – we’ll never know exactly what we lost. You’re just left with questions that don’t have an answer. It’s unsettling. Unnerving. It shakes you to the core. It hangs over you like this heavy darkness. Every day has been different. I think I’ve moved on, and then something else knocks me back to my knees.

But back to finding out we are pregnant again. About a month ago, Brittany had some unexpected bleeding. The doctor wanted her to take a pregnancy test just to rule it out. Well. It was positive.

Here we go again. I know that’s what both of us were thinking. I mean, really, how could this happen again? I feel like both of us had grown in so many ways since September, but it felt like in that moment, we were both back to square one. That was kind of depressing. In an instant, I felt like I was just as weak as I had been before September. I felt like we were knocked back to our knees again.

Then, so many people came to us and got down on their knees with us. I can’t begin to explain the amount of love we have experienced these last few weeks. One night we had our small living room packed full of friends from church who came to pray for us. That kind of supernatural experience is foreign to me. To be honest, I struggle with that kind of stuff. It makes me uncomfortable sometimes, but I was to a point where I was comfortable with the uncomfortable. I wasn’t going to let myself get in the way of what God was trying to do in our life. I can’t thank our friends and family enough. They didn’t just try to pick us up – instead they got down with us in our pain.

Fast forward a few weeks, we received great news at our last doctor’s visit. We have a blob and a heartbeat. Pretty cool stuff. We were to the point where we felt comfortable announcing the good news.

So this is our last Mother’s Day without a baby.

This morning Brittany and I took my parents and nephew to our church for Mother’s Day. I got hit pretty hard with some emotions just thinking about our baby, Mother’s Day and how God is our Healer. I’ve never believed that before. But how can I deny that now? How can I look at the last few weeks, the prayers on our behalf for a healthy pregnancy and the good report and not see God at work in our struggles.

I go back to trying to pinpoint what I’ve learned from all of this, or how I’ve grown, and the only thing I can come up with is that I’ve learned to stop limiting God in my life. In our desperation, I opened up to God like I never have before. My hope and goal is to start opening up to Him in the calmer times of my life and not just turning to him in the hard times. I think that’s a goal all of us can relate to.

I’m going to be a dad. Brittany’s going to be a mom. Wow. 

Goodbye, Michael

So, it’s been five days since I bid farewell to the great Michael Scott from The Office.

I’ve had plenty of time to process the episode, and overall, I really enjoyed it. It wasn’t a perfect episode, but I did feel like it was a perfect goodbye to an unforgettable character in Michael Scott and amazing actor in Steve Carell.

The episode was perfect because is stayed simple. It was about Michael and his relationships with everyone in the office – not about some crazy concocted story. There was no big reveal that Michael was the Scranton Strangler, which many people have been speculating about all season (my pick is Gabe – dude is straight up strange, especially in this episode). Instead, the episode revolved around Michael saying his goodbyes to every single person in the office.

But it wasn’t in typical Michael fashion. There was no big spectacle attached to his departure. In fact, he had misled everyone in the office to believe he was leaving the next day. The truth was that he was leaving that afternoon.

It really shows how Michael has grown and developed as a character this season. I mean, he even kept things cordial in his goodbye to Toby. That’s proof enough! By the way, that was one of the funniest scenes in the episode. You could see the torture he was enduring by not giving in to his desire to be awful to Toby. We’ve seen him try to do this before, and it’s never worked. But the new Michael could resist. He’s grown up. It only took him 40-something years…

I loved all the throwbacks to past episodes. It was very rewarding for an Office super fan like me. It was all right there from the beginning with Michael baiting Dwight with his misinformation about bears.

Speaking of Dwight, I remember telling Brittany before the episode that I really hated the way things had gone between Dwight and Michael because Michael hadn’t recommended Dwight for his job. I didn’t want Michael to leave with bad blood between them. Michael tried to deflect the issue at the beginning of the episode, which I thought was weak. But he did redeem himself later in the episode when he gave Dwight a letter of recommendation. Watching Dwight read the letter and slowly crumble was awesome. It was a touching scene. You easily forget how good of an actor Rainn Wilson can be because of how ridiculous Dwight normally is.

Back to the throwbacks. I loved that Michael finally took Dwight up on some paintball lessons. I loved that Michael went to the warehouse to attempt to use the bailer. (Bail her? I hardly know her!) I loved the shot of Michael adjusting his Dundie on his desk. I didn’t really enjoy the throwback to the basketball episode. Him repeatedly missing just wasn’t that funny to me, but I kind of appreciate the history of it. And who could forget Ping?

My favorite goodbye was with Jim. I know that’s probably a bit too obvious, but I just loved how it worked out. Michael had purposefully misled everyone so that he could avoid real goodbyes. Jim busted him on it, but he was gracious enough to give Michael his last wishes. I liked that moment.

Is it weird that I actually believed Michael and Pam wouldn’t get a final moment together? The episode played with that notion the entire time, and I actually kind of believed it might happen. Of course, that wasn’t true. They got their goodbye, but we didn’t get to experience it thanks to a great play on the whole “the show is a documentary thing” (by the way, taking the mic off helped them slip in probably the dirtiest “that’s what she said” ever, which was another fitting way to send Michael out).

Pam told us what he said. But I don’t really know if I believe that’s exactly what went down. I think Michael had greater things to say to her than just, “I miss Holly.” But I don’t think Pam could bring herself to reveal the special moment they had. And I’m OK with that.

I enjoyed the B-story with Andy and DeAngelo. It was pretty comical – probably the funniest Will Ferrell has been on the show in his three episodes. But what I really loved about the B-story was that it kept Ferrell away from Carell, allowing the focus to really be on Michael.

I love Michael Scott. He’s easily one of my top 5 favorite fictional characters. A lot of that has to do with Steve Carell. I really enjoy his work. Will The Office be the same without him? No. Does that mean that it will be a terrible show from now on? I don’t think so. It’s going to be different, of course, but at least we have three episodes left this season to experience and decide from there whether or not the show is worth watching next year.

I say give it a shot. You may be surprised. At the very least, we’ll find out Thursday night.

Side notes:

• The Gabe-Erin-Andy story line is getting strange.
• Seriously, I think Gabe is the Scranton Strangler.
• Looks like an interesting storyline is developing between Phyllis and Erin. They might just be mother and daughter. Don’t believe me? Check this out.

Just an average loser

OK. So, I know I'm way behind on this realization - but how awesome is NBC's "The Biggest Loser"?

I know it's been on for like a gazillion seasons, but I just watched my first episode a few weeks ago. I blame Sonja Keith, my 501 LIFE editor. In the new May issue (which hits the streets today), Sonja has a great feature on 54-year-old Rick de Roque. Rick - a resident of Conway - was a contestant on season 10 of "The Biggest Loser."

Dude was and is a beast. Back in 2001, Rick tipped the scales at 420 pounds. After gastric bypass surgery, he dropped down to 320. As he says in the story, that's as far as he was able to drop on his own: "I tried to fix my stomach, but my head was the problem, and that’s where ‘The Biggest Loser’ came in."

Last night, Brittany and I started watching his season on Hulu. At the first weigh-in, Rick dominated the competition by losing 10 percent of his body weight. I've heard he gets kicked out pretty early in the show, but that wasn't the end of the line for him. Rick went on to finish strong in the at-home part of the competition, losing 102 additional pounds after he left the ranch. In all, he dropped 165 pounds. That's incredible.

"Only one could win the $250,000," Rick says in the 501 LIFE article. "But everyone on that show could have their life back. It was up to us."

What's keeping us from getting our lives back? Is it weight? Guilt? Pain?

When I left to work in Denver last September, I was hit with some pain. Brittany and I found out she was pregnant the day before I left. There were complications, and we ended up having a miscarriage. It sounds stupid to me, but I started finding some form of comfort in food. I ate worse than I ever have when I was in Denver. I didn't dare weigh myself because I didn't want to know how bad it was getting, but the fact that I had to buy several new pair of jeans was a definite indicator.

When I got home in February, I finally got the nerve to step on the scale. I weighed 200 pounds. I've never passed two bills. It was a scary moment for me. I joined a gym that Brittany was already a part of, and I also started eating smarter again. I say "smarter" because it's not always better. I still indulge from time to time, but I'm smarter about how I do it.

Anyway - I've lost 11 pounds since I've been home. I'm back down in the 180s. It doesn't sound like much compared to what Rick was able to do, but I feel like it's a win for me. I'm not done. I'd love to get back in the 170s and maybe even the 160s. We'll see. For now I'm just an average loser. Hopefully in the next year, I'll be my own "biggest loser."

If you're struggling with something you want to overcome, check out Rick's story. Granted, the dude had some serious help from NBC in overcoming his problem, but that doesn't make us any less obligated to try. You're help may be right around the corner, and you either don't see it or don't want to see it. I know that was my biggest problem.

Sometimes you have to let go of your pride and ask for help.

First this morning, in a LWG Update...

Wowza. I have not updated this thing in 18 months. There's several reasons for that, but none of them are legit. Mostly after my last post about Big, I just didn't want to see that again. Thus, I stayed away. Oh well. I think 18 months has been long enough. I'm a big boy now...?

So -- this morning in a LWG Update, I have a lot of things to tell you in short bulletized (I made up this word) form. I'll probably go into more details on some of these bullets over the next few weeks:

• May 2010 - Brittany and I graduated. Yay. That was a fun day. Kris Allen was at my graduation, so I guess that makes me cool? At least cooler than Brittany.
• Also in May 2010 - we bought a house. I repeat - we bought a freaking house. Buying a house is stressful, as most of you know, but it was so worth it. It all came together so fast, but we are extremely happy in our home.
• In a previous post from basically two years ago, I wrote about how well my internship at Today's THV was going. That was true. My internship did go extremely well. In fact, it even helped me land a job. In March 2010, I signed on as a morning producer for KTHV. It wasn't a long-lived endeavor. More on that at a later date.
• In August 2010, I flew down to Houston one day and left with a new job. Again, it wasn't a long-lived endeavor. It was simultaneously the hardest and most financially rewarding thing I've ever done. More on that later at a later date.
• September 2010 - thought I was going to be a Dad, but it didn't happen. Worst month of my life. Maybe more on that at a later date. Not sure if I can muster up the strength to write about that. Further proof that Brittany is stronger than me: http://bit.ly/dSCAs9
• February 2011 - after working in Denver (away from Brittany for six months), I came home for good! Like I've said, that all is a really long story. A few highs, a lot of lows, but it's part of our story, for better and worse. The ladies at 501 showed mercy upon my soul and hired me full time. As always - more on that at a later date.

So - that catches me up. I've got so much more to throw out there about all of these things in the next few weeks. I'm going to get better at this. I have to now. Writing is pretty much the only way I know how to express what's going on in my life (cliche). I'm pretty emotionally autistic.

Have a good day everyone. Talk to you later.

-Peace, Love and Hershey's Chocolate-

I'd Say

What would I say if I could talk to you today?

I’d say, “I love you.”

I’d say, “No, I don’t need anything. I’m fine.”

I’d say, “I’m sorry I didn’t come see you the day before you died. I was just a few minutes away, but I was being selfish.”

I’d say, “I know that you know I love you, but I should have taken every opportunity to tell you in person.”

I’d say, “Sorry, but no, I’m not going to be a lawyer or a judge.”

I’d say, “Yes, I’m sure I don’t need anything. I promise, I’m just fine.”

I’d ask, “How is it?”

I’d say, “Don’t worry about my Mom – that’s my job now.”

I’d say, “Thanks for listening to my choir performances with me. I know it meant a lot to you, but you’ll never know how much it meant to me.”

I’d say, “Thanks for introducing me to God.”

I’d say, “Thanks for helping calm my fears of death. I’m still not cured, but much closer after our last conversation.”

I’d ask, “What do you think we should name our first kid? Brittany says ‘Delane,’ but I’m pushing for ‘Lily.’ And yes, I’m certain it will be a girl, but no, I don’t know when we’ll have her. Can you tell me?”

I’d say, “Thank you for showing so much interest in my life. It’s easy to take risks when you have so much unconditional support.”

I’d say, “It was bittersweet to see you go. I miss you, but I know you’re happy.”

I’d say, “Redhead, go be with your Chief, and tell him his buddy says ‘hi.’”

All about the Ws

Clint Ashcraft - Conway Head Coach

For Conway players, fans to buy into new system, coach knows he needs to win

501 Football 2009 & 501 LIFE September

I'm proud to be a contributor for 501 Life Magazine.

The magazine launched its first issue in April 2008, and I got involved that summer. I wrote the majority of 501 Football 2008, and I have consistently wrote for 501 LIFE ever since.

501 LIFE is a general interest magazine that celebrates anything and everything that makes Central Arkansas a great place to live. I usually write sports features for the magazine, but I have made detours in other areas throughout the last year.

The ladies of 501 LIFE - Sonja Keith, Tracy Ferrell and Donna Spears - refer to me as their "Kris Allen Correspondent" because of the writing I did during the American Idol craze that hit Arkansas this Spring.

501 Football 2009 was recently released. I wrote everything in the issue except for the introduction from the Editors. I'm proud of the publication, and I think it has vastly improved from last year's edition.

501 LIFE September also came out recently, and I have a few stories littered throughout. The 501 ladies gave me my first start as a print journalist, and I'm grateful for the experience I've gained over the past year.

Every issue, the publication keeps getting better and better.

Dream Catcher - 501 LIFE September

A feature on the American Idols Live tour stop in North Little Rock back in July. The story features quotes from Kris Allen and other AI Top 10 contestants. Also included is a Q&A with Kris a few days after the concert.